Psychology
by SomewhereBeyondReality
Summary: "She didn't major in psychology but – looking back – she realizes her previous choices were more complicated than what Pro/Con lists revealed..." Post Seasons 7 Rory reflects on her relationship decisions. Lit!  Second in 'The World of Rory's Head' serie


**Yet another random one shot that occurred to me as I tried to analyze all of Rory's decisions and relationships over seven series. I'm getting quite fond of her head – it's an interesting place to be. **

**X-X**

Rory doesn't believe in destiny. She's too logical to think that 'the stars' organize mortals into some pattern of their own design.

What happens is because of decisions and choices; no matter how much Lorelai talks about 'The Horoscope'.

However she _does _believe that people's actions are based on lifestyle habits and what's around them. _She didn't major in psychology but – looking back – she realizes her previous choices were more complicated than what conscious Pro/Con lists revealed._

In a rare moment she imagines how her romantic relationships would look if (the '_heavens' _forbid) she were ever analyzed by say, Doctor Phil.

Embarking on her relationship was Dean was simple enough: she was fifteen going on sixteen and he was sweet and safe and willing to chase her. Despite her unworldly claims of knowing Trig better than boys she _had _been a teenage girl ready for all of...that.

He fitted in with her fairy tale life: the adoring Prince for the Town Princess. Lorelai loved him. Stars Hollow loved him. The timing had been right.

The second time with him was more complicated. Her first year at Yale was hard. The courses were tough, she missed Lorelai and troubling visits from a (repressed) past hadn't helped.

Dean: kind, reliable, comfortable Dean was a natural fallback. Reminiscent of her old Stars Hollow life.

But Rory realizes it was more than that. She, the Golden Gilmore child wasn't expected to _screw up _and breaking up with Dean in the first place _was _a screw up. A massive one according to everyone else.

In some twisted way she knows that sleeping with him (the real screw up she thinks now) was her trying to fix the mistake. To go back to before Yale, before Lindsay and the complications and _Him _to make things right again.

Only you _can't _change the past and in trying to she'd screwed the future even more.

That thought leads to Logan.

The (final) break up with Dean changed something in Rory. She'd tried to fit back into her old life and failed: so turned in a different direction. If she could no longer be Princess of Stars Hollow then maybe she could be somewhere else.

For the first time her grandparent's world, (_Logan's_) world of wealth and parties and etiquette had appealed. Because Rory Gilmore _had _to be perfect in everything and that had been something new to conquer.

So she tried and as always she succeeded.

Even in that (dark) period when she was out of Yale she had that to comfort her. Maybe she was no longer the angelic daughter or flawless student but she was a new Rory, equal in her own way. The perfect _grand_daughter, adored DAR member (ornament) and first ever girlfriend of Logan Huntzberger. _Congratulations for taming the playboy, Rory_.

She clung to that delusion for a long time: even after she was back in Yale and everyone thought she was ok again.

No one (including herself) had realized of course but her relationship with Logan had still been an attempt to sustain that perfect image. To feel worthy.

Yes, she admitted to making mistakes with her education and lifestyle and behaviour but she refused to acknowledge that her relationship with Logan had been a mistake. (Because if Logan was a mistake then what did she have left? If he stopped chasing her then she was no longer an object of adoration. She needed adoration to be worth _something_).

So despite weak protests she went back to Logan and stayed. He was fun and nice and by then she cared about him deeply. They were content together.

But when he proposed Rory had found that caring and being content wasn't enough.

She wonders if Logan could tell: "_I love the idea____of being married to you," _she'd said.

Yes, the idea. She'd imagined the daughter of Lorelai (still single) Gilmore establishing a glossy marriage at only 22. A symbol of her accomplishment in relationships despite the odds.

But deep down it had never been an option. So she refused.

But as Rory thinks about that, she can't _help _but remember the boy (man) that was never brushed away so easily.

She supposes that when Jess first arrived and they kissed secretly under the sunlit trees ("_You look nice."_) it could be dismissed as teenage infatuation.

With Dean she'd been ready for dating, with Jess she'd been ready to rebel. Every girl has to fall for a bad boy after all. But that theory didn't explain why: almost a year after he left – she'd fallen asleep every night with a hollow ache in her stomach. Why she couldn't _see _any boys at Yale no matter how much she tried.

But she stayed quiet and let everyone believe Jess had been a hormonal indiscretion.

However she hadn't screamed 'No' (_"No, no, no, no..._) because she agreed with them but because considering him – them – it – again was too damn _painful. _

Jess hadn't been ready for their relationship. And she couldn't expose herself again.

Dean had been the easy option.

When Jess came back and she saw him again at Truncheon it had been harder: there were fewer excuses to hide then Jess _had _been ready. He was the new, mature Jess who _could _be trusted not to break her heart.

Trouble was he'd broken it once and the scars were still there.

Behind that kiss (that she's still trying to erase from memory) she felt the power to hurt her again. Him – it – them – _(love_) – whatever – was still there, simmering below the surface and she couldn't take that risk.

It was cruel really that because she felt more, he would be given less.

Maybe Doctor Phil would read more into her choice to pull away at Truncheon. Maybe he'd connect it back to her desire for success and desperation for a worthwhile image.

After all Rory grew up being told she could do better than Lorelai. She was the smarter, sweeter and more sensible one who could learn from her Mom's mistakes.

And the one mistake she's seen over and over was Lorelai's habit of running back to the wrong man.

Rory had almost blurted it to Jess as she left, answered his unspoken plea for understanding: _"I don't want you to be my Christopher." _

Because with Max and Luke (who had been at right there as a silent warning) and in a hundred other relationships Rory doesn't want to remember – Lorelai always turned back to Christopher. Her rebellious High School sweetheart.

Rory didn't want to be like that. She didn't want to be charmed into thinking he'd cleared up his act only to be disappointed. She didn't want to run at the first sign of conflict.

So she did the sensible thing. She left Jess and persevered with Logan. Relationships took effort and she refused to bend to the temptation of _Him _again.

Even now Rory hates herself for it. Maybe not for walking away (even though he was ready, she clearly wasn't) but for not explaining it all to him.

"_I don't deserve this Rory."_

No: he deserved reasons and details and communication but unfortunately Rory is good at analyzing her thoughts (years) afterwards but under pressure...not so much.

But if there's one thing she's learnt from all of this reminiscing it's that you have to live with your mistakes.

She has to be happy with where they are now (which is to say email buddies, mutual book critics, recent cousins and maybe even friends). They've established a balance and it _works. _

But as Rory slips her cool fingers into Jess's warm palm, leading him out for the compulsory Maid of Honour and Best Man dance she wonders if the stars _do _have _some _grand intentions.

Because _logically _why is her heart beating faster _now _than it did as a hormonal teenager?

Can psychology explain that?

**X-X**

**Longer than I intended but there we go. I hope all of her logic made some sort of twisted sense. Obviously I was looking at it from a Lit angle but I think the explanations were consistent with Rory's character. So, I appeal to you kind readers: reviews for a starving soul! **


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